So far... yet... so near...

It's really been a long time since I last blogged, hasn't it? Many things have happened... Happy ones, sad ones... Some that I choose to remember, others I choose not to... Yet, there's this something I would wish to blog about though...

Hmm... Have been out with you several times since I last blogged... There were times we were happy, times I was emo, then times you were especially emo, and in the end, we affected each other... Hmm... I don't wish to admit... But I really doubt our "relationship" will last... And I'm sure you feel that way too... You said it might be because we missed the "friends" stage... or even because we have met up too much... To me, it ain't all just that... To me, I think it's because of the difference in our character and all... There just seems to be so much difference between us... And you just don't wanna voice out whatever that is within... And as I say, when someone before me doesn't seem to want to open up too much, neither do I... and this results in us being quiet, so very quiet that I must say I am indeed uncomfortable, and perhaps somehow lie that I am comfortable though I am not... I'm not that quiet a person... actually... It's just so awkward... Awkward as it is, I must admit that I don't wanna end it... But what can I do? I ask myself this... almost all the time... Continue? I think I'll break down one day... Let go? I think I'll break down too... Perhaps more... Cos' I have never did so much for a guy, and with a guy before... Nonetheless, like what you say... If we end it, everything might be better for me, and perhaps for you... over time... Well... Might... Haiz~ Yet, maybe I should really let go... I'm sorry but something you said that day kinda really bugged me till now mannn... You were like "I am going to take a walk to think about us... Then I am going to tell you my response tomorrow..." At that time, I felt really down... I mean like who are you to determine what's going to happen? Darn... and I am expected to accept it then? Sometimes, I really, really hate myself you know... Maybe I should have rejected you right from the start... Why did I even think everything was possible? Still, I must say that I liked you before, and I did loved you before... But everything seems to be fading already... I don't know... You just seem to have so much doubt, so much things you wanna say when you're with me... But yet, you don't want to... I feel helpless almost all the time... Really... And just when I kinda decided that perhaps everything should end, you called at night and said, you don't wanna break up... What is all this man? And I even said I loved you... I'm sorry, but I must say that perhaps I should have said it this way, "I love you... but that was before... I am sorry... But I think I would like for this to end... I'm sure you would be happier... And hopefully I would too... Wait for army and all to be over? It's not like I don't wanna commit... But I really don't see the reason really worth for me to commit... anymore...Thanks for whatever joy and laughter you have once given me... Take care, as I would say, always."

Just hope that you will do well for your 'A's now... after which I will tell you how I really feel, or perhaps I don't even have to explain if you happen to read this blog, this entry... Hmm... and yea, will try to forget you...

So far... yet... so near...

The one day I'll never forget =)

I guess the title of this entry really sums up much day... Yeps, this is the one day in my life I most prolly won't forget =)

I met Yi Jin in the afternoon and hanged around City Link for a while... Actually, it was quite a long while... thanks to Eugene who came like... about 35min late? Haiyos... I wonder if he dared to be as late if he were to only be meeting Yi Jin =p Heehees... Okay... I just told Yi Jin that I would stop teasing her =p Anyway, I had a really great time with her at Marina Square today... I really miss her man... (yes, I actually teared when I saw her... ) Hmm, first, we lunched at this really cool Jap restaurant... Hahas... Yes, Yi Jin, I know... I eat very slowly... Hahas =p I will try to eat faster =p After lunch, we went to watch "Ratatouille"... Like finally =p Hees, speaking of movies, which reminds me of popcorn, that girl can really eat popcorn man... I crown her the "Popcorn Queen" of the year... Hahas... She literally finished eating the entire tin, yes, not packet, not box, not tub, but tin of popcorn... Scary~ Even Eugene was shocked... Hahas... Anyway, I must ask her not to ask Eugene along the next time we go out... I feel like a lamp post sitting between her and Eugene... really... though she says that there isn't anything between them already... Nonetheless, thanks for the birthday gifts people... Esp Yi Jin... Love ya loads girl =) Your company is the best gift for me this year =)

Anyway, after that, Yi Jin and I took the same transport... And guess what? I met my Primary School friend, Jolene! Hahas... She couldn't quite recognise me but I could =) We chatted for a while and exchanged numbers... Hees... Hope I can meet her again =)

Hmm... And I met you at Parkway for dinner at night... Hehs, actually I went there earlier than our meeting time, but I felt like walking around for a while first... So there I went to the basement and I saw you with your friends... Hehs... For some reason, I had a feeling that they would tease you if they saw me... So I was like making a quick escape to the first level and then eventually, I found myself at Sembawang =p Heehees =p Well, anyway, I met you a while after that and we had dinner at Pasta Mania =) Thanks for the treat... The dinner was lovely =) Yup, after that, we headed to the East Coast Park... We walked a fair distance, after which we sat down and talked... Hmm... I ranted quite a bit I guess =p Thanks for listening... Hmm... I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I just want to tell you that I like you... Yup... I am afraid of doing anything else becos' I really cannot promise you anything... I don't want to make a promise and then break it... I just want you to concentrate on your studies for now... Yup... And when I just keep quiet, I am not feeling uneasy or angry or anything... I'm just enjoying the peace and serenity present... Yup =)

Till I see you again, as what I would always say, do take lotsa care =) Jiayou! *riceball smile*

Happy? Birthday...

Let's see... 1 hour and 4 minutes to my birthday =) Rights... I am so looking forward to it... Okay, come to think of it... Am I? Hmm... I am not feeling very happy actually... even though I pretend to be... Fine, I am starting to fake smiles... Weird... This is really so not right... I am supposed to happy... Come on, be happy... Try and smile... No, wait, cannot, really cannot... I so don't know how to smile already... I need some help man... seriously... I wonder if there are lectures, tutorials or even practicals for it... Like stacks of notes on entitled: "How to smile genuinely cos' you are happy, you really are"... Rights... Now I am starting to talk to myself... Maybe I'll become delirious soon... Rarh... Promos seem to have stolen my happiness... Now I am currently finding another source of happiness to replace it... and I can't find one... My one birthday wish in 58 minutes' time: To smile genuinely because I am happy, I really am... Hmm... Actually, I have another source of happiness... Or shall I say used to have one at this point in time? Hmm... I know you've been busy and stressed... I know I shouldn't talk to you... I know you need time for yourself... I know you need to study... But there's just this irresistable urge for me to sms you at times... Argh... I hate myself... Since when did I become like that? So weak and vulnerable... Argh... I NEED to compose myself... Yet, the one and only thing on my mind now is: Do you still remember my birthday? I don't think you do... seriously... And I am gonna be really, really sad if you don't... And I know that... I am beginning to feel it now actually... cos' you didn't hint anything about it at all... And seriously, this time, no sorry is ever gonna help... Unless you are that type who would tell only ON the day... which I so don't think so... Rights... I REALLY NEED to compose myself... The clock is ticking away... 49 more mins... And I can say
"Happy Birthday...

to...

myself..."

This and that... Or is these and those?

Time flies. It really does.

It's been a month since I last blogged, and a million and one things seem to have occurred. Exams are over... like finally... I can take a breather for a while... but well, very soon, everything will be in a mad rush again before I know it... There's PW... and as though this is not enough, there's still 'A' levels Chinese... Speaking of this, I am much reminded of what Stacia said about me regarding Chinese that day... Ah, well, maybe I was really stupid not to take Higher Chinese in my Sec School back then... Hmm... So I guess it's like payback time now... Anyway, I am quite worried for my results this time... I think I totally screwed my Sciences, yes, both my Physics and Chem... Darn... To think I studied so very hard for them =( This is absolutely disappointing and demoralising... Really... And, oh, let's not forget about GP as well... I think I am quite dead for my GP Essay and AQ... Rarh... I think I really let my teachers down this time, especially for GP and Chem... I feel so guilty man... Haiz~ Nonetheless, I've still gotta wait for another one or two gruelling weeks before I can get my papers back... so yea, no point dwelling so much on what I can't do... Shall see what I CAN do...

On a lighter note, I had a really great day with Annabella today. After Maths paper, we headed to Bugis for lunch. After that, we shopped a lil', after which we went to tcc. It was really great to be able to be out with her today... especially after such a loooong time... I miss her... really... and we talked for such a long, long time... In fact, I finally got to understand why people always say that while new friends are good, old ones are the best... She's probably the 'bestest' friend I ever had, if such a term exists... It is really amazing how we can click so well... like so well... and understand each other so well... believe and trust each other so so so much... share the same thoughts... feel the same away about one hundred and one issues... give the same replies to people around us... and even share the same taste... And the most wonderful thing of it all... We believe in fate... for it is something we strongly believe brought us together =) You really rock my world, girl =) Can't wait to go out with you again (and we'll take neoprints next time) =)

This Sat is my birthday =) I've been waiting for a long time for it... I wonder how many people remember my birthday though... as in besides my parents, of course... One person I know for sure though, and I guess perhaps that's reassuring enough... Thanks Annabella =)

Wonder if you would remember my birthday... Hmm... Maybe... Maybe not...

Thoughts...

Hmm... It's raining outside now and I'm in deep thoughts... For some reason, the rain always puts me in deep thoughts... It gives me the serenity I seek, the inner peace... It calms me down... to ponder and to reflect...

It's been almost a month since I last blogged... Been really busy... Everything seems to be in a rush... so much so that sometimes I don't even know what I am doing... I wonder if I had made a wrong choice to come to a JC... I thought I could just bear with all the stress, be it my studies or CCA... I thought I could... I thought I really could... But now, it seems that I can no longer withstand much of what's happening... cos' I'm breaking down at times... which is not a good sign at all... Like what many would say, since the minute I made the decision to enrol in a JC, I should already have expected all these... But well... Know what? I chose it because I was not exactly sure of what I wanted that time... Not that I know now anyway... It's like if one does choose to go to a Poly, one has to at least be sure of what he or she wants to do... cos' otherwise it would seriously be no fun to find yourself graduating with a diploma that you realise would not help you at the end of three years cos' you are actually more interested in something else... And mind you, it's three good years... At least JC offered a longer period of time for me to decide on what I really want (or so I thought that time) ... And the curriculum would probably offer me more courses in the future... But now... while this may still be true... the curriculum really makes me wonder if I am studying would actually be useful to me at all in the future... Say if my interest in psychology does lasts, how exactly would differentiation help me in the future? Hahs... Or like what you say, free radical substitution... Probably only in getting through my Promos now I guess... and perhaps next year... if I choose to stay in a JC, that is... Hmm... meanwhile I shall just try... like try...

Anyway, I had my CIP yesterday... We were like supposed to give out T-shirts, writsbands, vouchers and some lucky draw tickets to people participating in a upcoming charity run. However, hardly ten people came =( Well, at least it was better than last weekend persay... Even if that was so, I would still enjoyed myself I guess... cos' at least Stacia was there... But, but, there would always just have to be some irritating people out there to annoy me... and I'm sure Stacia would agree... Firstly, the people in charge of the booth... Or let's just say the ladies... Okay... Know what? Might as well just call them despos... They were like talking about guys... Not like I care... But they were like talking in such a way that totally pissed me off... Haiyos~ Come on man despos, there are much better things to do than to sit there and talk about guys you know~ And the best part was, they were conversing so loudly that I can't ignore them... And my music did little help, cos' they were louder than it -.- And the max really came when one of them started telling the rest about some lame ghost stories that Stacia and I just went -.- ... "Uh... That's SO funny..." To think all these weren't enough, we had people smoking beside this pillar right next to us... The cigarette smoke was terrible man... Speak of ironies... There we were trying to prepare stuff for people running for a run meant for cancer research and next to us were like some folks smoking like nobody's business, seemingly putting themselves in a risk to get lung cancer... And people wonder why there are so many cancer patients... It's like if it's genetic, I really sympathise with them... But if they brought it upon themselves, and they are now putting me at a risk of getting lung cancer as well thanks to passive smoking now that I think of it, they ought to be shot... Really... Anyway, I must really thank that lady who realised that nobody was coming and released us from our agony... And it was real agony man, considering the fact that we were sitting on the floor outside a five star hotel while there were people dressed in gowns mingering around with wine glasses in a function in the hotel... Hahas...

Hmm, anyway, after that, I decided to go for dinner by myself... Was walking past Wheelock when you messaged me... Hmm... Yup... And I decided to meet you... I went over to Vil'lage first and you met me there... Hehs... The rosti was tasty man =p Yar... I know... Piggy =p You were like staring at me while I was eating... Hahas... You looked tempted =p But well, you had your share of steak just now... so yar... must control =p We talked about some random stuff... Your class, your friend, studies, some subjects' irrelevance =p Hahas... Yea... After dinner, we decided to visit the 'Ode to Art' shop at Raffles Place... Hehs, but the shop was closed by the time we reached there... But it was okay... I realised that your sense of direction is comparable to mine though... Hahas =p Kies, then we were headed to the Esplanade... And from there, we walked all the way to Fullerton... Really enjoyed the walk... I'm not someone who's "showy" about how I feel... But yea, I enjoyed it... really... You asked me about quite a lotta stuff... But I know that there's still some more into it... And I guessed you didn't know how to phrase them... Some of my answers to your questions were perhaps not what you really wanted but yea... Just want to say that actually, I'm not very sure of how I feel towards you actually... You said actually everything is up to me now... But I really don't know how I feel... It's like I do think of you, miss you, perhaps wish to see you at times, but is that all "liking" a person encompasses? The feelings at heart matters... I do have feelings for you... But is that "like"? Hmm... I wonder... What's your definition of liking a person? I'm sorry that I've been uncertain about this even after such a long time... My dad is one reason, but there are alot more to it as well... Sometimes, I really think that your "care" for me is there, but it's really on and off... And if you do realise, there's always that something there that is stopping us from saying something... It's like you want to say it, but you are afraid that you don't get your point across, so you choose not to say it, tell youself, perhaps some time later, perhaps never... I'm quite sure you would agree to this... Anyway,I'm not afraid of physical contact persay... It's just that holding hands mean a lot to me... Perhaps not for many people... But it sure does mean a lot to me... It's not exactly like holding hands= relationship= whatever you continued saying... But it's like holding hands means a certain promise and commitment to me... You don't hands for the sake of holding... It means something... And I want to be sure before I put my hand in anyone's... I'm not someone into short-term relationships as well... Yup... Hope you'll understand =)

Thanks for the walk and company though... (Hope you weren't really tired... though you said you did =p) I have been wanting to go out for a walk like this for a really long time=) Yup...

Ponder and ponder, fonder and not so fonder

Hehs... Let's see... Fifty plus days to promos and I haven't done any revision... Gosh... And my days are just going to get later with more projects pouring in for photog... Oh, and we have irrititating people popping into the room to ask if they can view photos for this event and that... Not that we don't want to let you see them... But we are so busy that we don't even have time to sort them out, resize them and upload... We're BUSY... Like hellos, we will upload them when the time comes... Okay... maybe one fine day... when the moon tastes like strawberry cake... Hahas.. Not to that extent... We will upload them... soon enough... Anyway, I know that I can't blame photog for not having enough time for my revision...cos' apparently many other peeps in my class have leadership positions and they are staying back as late... yet they can concentrate and catch up... Haiz~ What is happening to me? I wonder... *ponders*

Let's see what have happened over this week. The week didn't start really well... But I was looking forward to it anyway... cos' of the photog exhibition... Hehs... I still love photog k... not the admin work though =p Monday was quite alright though Phoebe is still cold towards me... as usual... I've no idea what to do... but I've decided that I'm just gonna live with it... at least try to... or force myself to... Just as much as I would like to know what has happened to her, I can't talk to her... Everything, like what Stacia has said, is becoming so so formal... I can't believe I am saying, "Oh, Phoebe, do you want to..." or "Erm... Yar... Would you like to..."Hmph... Where are the "Heyy, Phoebe, you wanna..."? Eeee... shall stop thinking... Stacia and I need to support each other... at least emotionally at this point in time... She has already broke down on Thurs... I must be strong =) Come to think of it, thanks for your msg that day... Words so little but mean a lot (to me)... really... Oh, not forgetting those choc candies as well... Thanks a lot... All these sure cheered me up =)

Okay, okay... now the highlight of the week! The photog exhibition =) Hahas... Though it's kinda small-scale, no one would ever expect the amount of work that we put in... except photog ppl, but of course... oh and let's say with special mention to the exco =) Actually, I would really like to thank the photog members for being so supportive and forking out time on their part to take photos related to the theme... For those who didn't submit your photos, please submit them next time k? Hahas... Speaking of the exhibition, Wednesday, like what my teacher described as, "was an adeventure" Hahs =D First, one grp of the exco was selecting, editing and printing photos... The rest of us were then mounting the photos and doing all the touching up... As we started off kinda late and the best thing was that we had to leave the room by eight, we had to rush like mad ppl... And... hahas, we managed to do it man! But, but, just as we were going to mount the photos, we realised that all the shutters were down and there was only way to the areas opposite the photocopy shop, where we placed the stands... Yes... The gate to the track -.- So there we were, walking, walking, walking... Like what one of my exco members said when both us were wallking together... So romantic~ Under the stars =) Hahs... Kk... So we spent quite a bit of time clipping the boards and all to the stands... Arranging them... When everything was finally done, the sense of satisfaction was certainly there man, I must say... Your hard work and all are like before you... right in front of your eyes... You can see it, even admidst the darkness =p Hahs... So much of admiring our own work... It was late... So together with our photos teacher, we wanted to make an exit out of the school as fast as possible... But hahas... Guess what? The only gate which got us there was locked! So we did what the usually civilised photog people would not do *ahem ahem*, we climbed over the gate =p Yes, "we" includes the teacher too! Hahas... It was totally funny man... with her in her skirt and high heels~ Heehee... Anyway, so much fo that, I must say The exco of 2007 really rocks =)) Hahas... Maybe, maybe... with the exception of someone, sometimes... *ahem* I know you're good, but don't need to act so seh one you know -.- I can bear with your arrogance... But I also have my own limits one you know... Endurance level with you at the moment: 70% Hahas =D

Everything else is then pretty fine... except that I realise that this friend of mine likes me and he's acting weirdly nowadays -.- Haiz~ I only treat him as a friend... Really... Gah... Shall stop thinking about it... Shall just see what happens...

Alrites, till I blog the next time...

Why?

I am so depressed... My life is in a mess, it really is... I don't want to go to school, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to do anything... I am tired... I really am... I want granny... *sobs* Why are all these happening to me? What did I do? Phoebe, if all you want is an apology, I would apologise... But please talk to me, will you? I really miss the times the three of us would talk, laugh and say what not over the phone, in school, everything... I really cannot take anymore changes...It's like until I finally grow to accept that I have left vj, grow to accept every other thing related to it, grow to accept people's criticism of me after being posted to this jc, finally found some friends I can confide in, you are doing this to me... I don't understand...

Anyway, I'm so sorry I haven't replied your sms... I really don't feel like saying anything... Perhaps there really needs to be a stop to this... I am tired of this...



*sobs*